Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Day 27, 28, 29, 30

Day 27—News poem (based on a newspaper article)

Said he loved her
he said he loved her, yes
and so he killed her
murdered her with two
butcher's knives.
He could not see her with
another man.
Thus a tragedy came to pass
Because a pompous fool
a male chauvinist pig
dared to think he possessed
her life.

Day 28-- poem on an object always within hand's reach-- 'The Art of Making a Juda' – It's elsewhere on this blog, an earlier post.

Day 29-- List Poem ( a list of things. The same phrase/kind of thing should be repeated many times)

Free me from this pain
Free me from your disdain
Free me from angsty insanity
Free me from demons of lunacy
Free me from these tears
Free to unchain my fears.
Free me from the debt I owe to you.

Day 30- a poem about poetry-- 'Poetry, Dreams, and Reveries' – it is elsewhere on this blog, an earlier post.


Adelaide Dupont said...

Day 27: last four lines too much tell and not enough show.

(Don't editorialise: a poem is not a newspaper article, even if the subject matter is based on one!)

Adelaide Dupont said...

And also I enjoyed reading Day 29's poem.

shrutanne said...

hmmm... thanks for pointing out Day 27, Adelaide... I think I could hav written this poem much better than I have, but in the last 4 lines, I was basically trying to take out my rage. but maybe I should have used more "show" than "tell"... I'll try and edit it... any suggestions??

and Adelaide... sooo love the fact that you actually read all of these. How did you even know, do you have me blogrolled somewhere?? Those days in delphi forums were like a previous existence, 9 long years ago... I'm touched!!

Adelaide Dupont said...

About the last four lines:

You can either call the man a "pompous fool" or "a male chauvinist pig", but I don't think you can do both.

(They create quite different images in the mind so go with the image which doesn't distract from the plight described earlier).

And you could shorten the reference to possession.

So overall, four lines could be condensed to one without damage.

"Male chauvinist pig" is more rageful. And distilled rage is preferable.

Sometimes just "pig" and "fool" will do; other times the insult will not be appropriate.

shrutanne said...

hmmm... thanks... will try a spot of editing and get back, methinks...