Trees

Gnarled, huge, knotted, tree trunks
Grand old banyan trees spreading, an entire colony
True guardians of the earth, these sentinels
stand watch, century after century
Witnessing .... Time
I bow my head, god is here
in these temples of our grandfathers.

On a visit to Baircha Lake

Arms entwined around branches

I become part of the tree

Swinging, swaying with the breeze

hair floating, branches waving

up-down-up-down-up-down

The rhythmic movement reminds me

of the rowing oars on a boat

Down below, the waves lap and dash against the rocks.

The Mind

It is a lazy ass
a snobbish, egotistical brat
a rich, spoilt pig
a selfish prig
the human mind.
It hates to upset itself
by working, thinking
or contemplating unplesantness
sees lusting bastards rape a screaming woman
fanatics torturing innocents for religion
children going hungry for lack of food
worlds of constant fear, without joy
Says "Horrible! Terrible!
Such an insane world!"
Its duty done
a minute later
"I'm hungry. Is there something good to eat?"

A Pause

a comma, a full stop, period
it makes you pause
it makes you think
it makes you feel
and understand
and relate with what is
it makes a poem
a poem.
All because of a nothingness
an emptiness
a silence
called a pause.

Feeling

Feeling makes me human
Feeling is why I am I
not that table, bed or broken stone
(Though even tables, beds and broken stones
have stories of their own to tell)
I would rather feel
too much
too quickly
love too much, cry too much
get hurt, angry, pain
too much
than to not feel.
to unfeel.
to stop all feeling.
Dying inside
Like a hollow tree
Indifference, apathy
scare me into a scream of terror
Living death. Burning in hell.
Intense feeling of any kind
I can relate with
But an empty absence of feeling
resists all relation
If only we could blend
feeling with thinking, feeling with knowing
feeling with learning, and feeling with living!

You have grown
into me
you are part of me
your words are my words
your tones and gestures
my tones and gestures
the way you dress, is the way I dress
How do I separate
How do I escape from you now
without losing my self?

May 2008

( do you think I could compile all these and get a book published?? or are they fit for the waste paper basket?)

Every word you speak
is a spear thrusting
forcing itself into my body
wounding it, poisoning it
the wound overflows as tears
and as words on this page.
The memory of those words
comes back, again and again and again
Each time I replay them
new arrows create fresh wounds
they fester, they grow
A dull, heavy, deaddening weight
a load of lead
sinks deep into me
and settles there.
Scabs will cover the wound over time
and heal it partially
Smiles hide the tears
Light chatter conceals the pain
But the scars will always remain
The load of lead will always remain
They have become
a part of me now.

may 2008

The doors are shut
Locked out, I wander
over the unknown, frozen terrain
not knowing where to go,
which way to go, stumbling
not knowing how to cross
frozen sleet, landslides, hail
searching for food, living
a hand to mouth existence.
Carrying a burden on my back
of guilt, of fear, of unattainable desire
of self doubt, reproach, of hurt
Afraid of being laughed, mocked it, rejected
Aware of being terrifyingly
Alone.

May 2008

Without You
I don't know who I am
or where I belong
Lost, uprooted, drowning
I need to believe, keep faith in you
to live,survive, to exist
It is a child's faithtrusting its mother even after a beating
It is a child's belief implicitly believing even after betrayal
I hold on fast to my "illusions"
But I am scared. Oh! I am so scared
I am so sorry I hurt you
I know it must be very hard for you
But don't you see it is not easy to break this faith
Perhaps, impossible?

Crisp, crinkly paper, hot
straight from the xerox machine
or from the printer.
Smooth, uncreased clothes
hot from the iron
The smell of dry grass
a dry leaf, on crumpling
Cool water on the parched earth
a fresh hot roti
a bed at night to tuck into
a splendid sunset, a golden moon
the smile of a child
extraordinary pleasures
of ordinary life

May 2008

( are poems like this one and the mango tree one (the one just before this) better or are the highly emotionally charged ones better?? I've been wondering...)

Laden boughs
Hang heavy, thick with blossom
creamy-white profusions
sweeeter than perfume
yet wilder...
Here and there, green mangoes
peep through your arms
green parrots nestle within you
for close comfort
oh beautiful lady!
pregnant with the hope of thinsg to be
your loveliness
is too much
for this summer evening.

May 2008

I had the find of my life yesterday... being such a poetry freak...

I bought my dream book y'day... a poetry collection of Alice Walker!! wo-oooo!!!! you should have seen my face when I saw it in the shop... I am so, so crazy...

The second was a poetry collection by sylvia plath!! just as good!! (though I doubt if I'd like anything as much as the former)

can't believe I actually "own" and "possess" books like these... I thought you just saw them in bookshops and libraries!

Frozen Russian snows
Bitter cold
a weary traveller
bundled in a shawl
selling gay carpets.
He has been travelling...
travelling all night
Lines on his face,
the look in his eyes
speak more than my words
resting but briefly against a wall
scribbled over with
meaningless nothings
What is life for him?
The nonsense? the gay carpets?
Or the look in his eyes?

September 2006 (written during the poetry workshop with Vivek narayanan)

Silence
made eternal
a moment
immortalised.

Silence
helps me see
within me,
without me

Wide blues and greens
Spreading trees
Twittering birds

Within me, doubts
fears of relationships
with each one of you

'What is" for me, is not
for you. Already, it is changing...
I am thinking...

september 2006 (written during the poetry workshop with Vivek Narayanan)

Illicit desires
phantoms of my brain
I made them my reality
held them close to my heart
clung on to them
did not want to let them go.

In most private moments
when I'm undressing, or bathing
when I'mdreaming
you are there with me
you live inside my head
all the time

Do you have two existences?
The real you... and the
you inside my head-- it's scary!
I wonder if that makes you
actually there with me
in secret, private,personal moments

And then, I see the real you
you avert your gaze, walk past me
and leave me wondering...

May 2008

a heart is bleeding, breaking
a wound is overflowing
tears are falling

this girl could never learn
that there are mistakes in life
that can never be amended

this girl could never accept
that what hurts can be here to stay
she fought too much against it

this girl could never believe
that the impossible in impossible
she was foolish enough to hope

this girl could not change
the centre of her universe
she was as a worshipper, at a shrine

this girl could never understand
how someone else could change
so much. oh, so much!

this girl could never realise
that someone had a right to withdraw
a right to dislike her, a right to hate her

This girl was also a kid
who said 'I didn't mean to do it
Please don't shove me away for it!'

The cars on the road are blowing their horns
people in their homes are eating and sleeping
the earth,the planets, are rotating, revolving

a heart is bleeding, breaking
a wound is overflowing
tears are falling

thirs girl wanted more than what she had
this girl must pay for her sins
this girl must suffer.

March 2008

Jealousy

Jealousy is the hunger
when I can't reach the apple on the tree
Jealousy is the thirst
when I know I must go to bed without water
and I see you feasting on apples
and I see you drink of the clear stream
this hunger is growing at me from inside, consuming me
this thirst is making me a dry, shrivelled pea
it's making be bitter and morbid
I avert my gaze, I cannot look
cannot see you feasting merrily
Once upon a time I had all I could want
of apples and cold water
I like you, you're nice, and lovable and cute
I wish all good, no harm for you
Only...
I so wish I could have red apples and cold water.

March 2008

Incomplete
a broken heart
an emptiness in the soul
an aching void
searching, yearning, desiring
completeness, fullness
In vain. Infulfilled. Unsatisfied.
At once too empty and too full
Words I don't allow myself to say
Feelings I don't allow myself to feel
Trapped. Imprisoned.
Condemned to incompleteness.

February 2008

Missing You

Lost in dreams, memories
Sweet reveries of mine own
Missing you.
Perhaps I prefer to be lost.
reality is harsh. reality hurts.

I want to tell you that I mis you
i want to tell you that I love you
But I cannot do either
Perhaps I prefer to be lost
reality is harsh, reality hurts.

'Control! Restrain!', I tell myself
'This is nor right, you cannot do this'
I wish i could tell you that I want to be with you
Perhaps I prefer to be lost
Reality is harsh. Reality hurts.

I remember how you looked, what you said
I remember how we talked, how we walked
Didn't matter what we did, so long as it was you
Perhaps I prefer to be lost
Reality is harsh, Reality hurts.

'Stop it! This is wrong!' I say to myself
But it doesn't make me stop loving you
I will always love you and miss you and care for you
Perhaps I prefer to be lost
Reality is harsh. Reality hurts.

I want you to read this. I want you to end this.
It is wrong, but I cannot forget it
I may, in time, learn to live with this.
But perhaps I prefer to be lost
Reality is harsh, Reality hurts.

February 2008

Brown, slim
a teardrop face
tall, but not too tall
slender, but not too slender
a near-perfect figure
naked, bare
just the right fullness
a young woman
a girl turning into a woman
I look at the curves
the breasts, the waist, the thighs
the long fingers, the arms, the legs
long, soft, hair, black
falls down thick, till the waist
caressing my bare, bare body
Sensual. Evocative.
I gaze into the mirror
my eyes look into mine...
and I fall in love
with Me!

February 2008